Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Monster Moment

Screaming. I read somewhere that kids would adjust and adapt to it and you end up having kids that is so used to your usual shouting and they won’t budge unless they hear you raising your voice octaves higher. Or worse, they get too used to your habitual shouting that they develop deaf ears to your requests.

With that, I find myself always trying my best not to raise my voice. Not to shout, no matter how bad I feel. But let’s face it, there really are times when one is too frayed at the edges and unwittingly does that. Me, I mess up and do that at times. But it doesn't really excuse the act.

The first time I shouted at my son, I cried silent tears. No kidding. I cried because I saw fear and shock register on his face, not to mention the copious tears in his eyes. Fear is the last thing I want my son to feel towards me. I cried because I was frustrated at someone who should have known better and who should have let patience run a mile longer. Instead, I failed to control myself and allowed my emotions to run ahead of me. I felt so wretched at failing and letting someone pay for my unbridled emotions.


And again, here is an antithesis to something I wrote few days back, a tale from someone who is trying not to resort to spanking. Not positive, but it's a tale of truth (and reality) of my life as a mother.

Coming home from the night shift, I found myself sitting in front of Matt's cabinet at so early in the morning. I was folding the pile of clothing that he had lovingly strewn all around our room. Sleep-deprived, I had wanted to return the room in a semblance of order as fast as I could.

Plak! The door of a cabinet connected to my face, at the upper left side of my cheekbone, a millimeter away from my eyes. Caught by surprise at its impact, I recoiled and instinctively brought my hand to my face where a sting was beginning to spread. I was shocked. When I turned my head upward, I saw him - the culprit of this banging. Irritation, surprise, pain – I’m still not sure what but I screamed and shot my hand, grabbing his foot and giving it a spank.

I over-reacted and I was too flustered at my reaction I had to walk out of that door because I couldn't trust myself if I stayed with him a moment longer. Was it shock that registered in his face as he stared at me with tears streaming down his face? He looked so scared and was still crying “Mama, mama” when I walked out that door. Bad Mama, that I was. I felt horrible, and that's could be an understatement. But of course, who wouldn't? There's just no excuse that could justify what I did. No excuse, and I felt all the more awful knowing this.

I had apologized to my son (and he had given me his sorry) but I still haven’t forgiven myself for doing what I did.

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Sonya said...

You know, parenting is hard. I grew up in a house where my mom was a yeller. That's how she dealt with things. Naturally, I followed the same path when I had kids. Thankfully, through much prayer, I have gotten control of my yelling and I've taught myself to think first and react second. That is very hard and I don't always do it that way. However, I strive to do it that way. When you're angry, you can say some pretty mean things and you can also give some pretty piercing looks. I worry about the way I look at my daughters when I am angry as much as I worry about what comes out of my mouth. It is an ongoing process and one that requires us to pray constantly and make ourselves accountable for our actions. My husband is the exact opposite. He always reacts appropriately and the kids respect him for that. Hang in there and know that each time things like this happen, it's just one more opportunity to strive to handle it better than the last time!


It sure is hard to raise children especially children of the now generation. I have 2 grandsons ages 3 and 5 months and the other 1 and 4 months and I just can't seem to control myself in raising my voice on them from time to time.

ZAM said...

Sonya: Thanks very much for sharing. Yes, isn't it a daunting task? Most daunting, I guess. And I agree about praying for it. I constantly ask God to guard my mouth, and I'm striving. Struggling, really. Parents create a generation and that thought alone is even more frightening. I do not want to create a generation of yellers. Who would want that to happen to their kids? I guess all parents don't want that to happen. But we unwittingly does things that make that happen. And I'm asking God to lead me, to reign control in my heart and in mind. I'm pleading. And I believe, He will lead me to better parenting.

Thanks for this thoughtful response on my post. I hope it's not too much to ask to include me in your prayers. Thanks, thanks again.

ZAM said...

Friday's Child: Yes, parenting is such a huge and daunting task. But I am praying that God bless me with more patience, wisdom and love.

Thanks for dropping by.

Melanie said...

Parenting is HARD isn't it? You know what though- we all make these mistakes along the way. When we don't change is where the problems begin.