Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Ma's Corner 2/17/06: Missing You

For the 1st time since I gave birth to Matt, I have yet to face a new challenge--and that is to survive not seeing him for a day or more. With my present job, work-related activities – such as trainings, company events, seminars--could bring me away from my baby. And I hated this part of my job. During my pre-Matt days, I would welcome this opportunity as a break from the monotonous work in the telecoms. But now I dread this, I just hate the thought of leaving Matt.

I was in Cebu last Feb 16 for HR Cascade--the last batch of the cascade. I opted to be in the last batch for obvious reason that I want to stall some time for me to prepare and for my baby to be ready. Still, I silently prayed it will be postponed to a later date - to no avail.

Prior to my departure date, I have been telling Matt that I'd be away for 2 nights and 1 day and that he'd be left with Nanay and Tatay, his grandparents. With my son being a 3-month old baby that he is, this would sometimes elicit a frown as response; another time, a smile and at times, a cry. I cannot be sure if he can understand what I was saying but maybe I was passing on my emotions- of fear, anxiety and worry-- to the baby which makes him cry.

The afternoon of Feb 15 was spent with Matt- feeding, playing, singing, rocking him, and more. It's almost time to go, but he's still asleep in my bosom. When it was time for me to leave, I gently put him down to bed and he woke up with a start and cried. I had to force myself to turn away before the urge to stay engulfs me.

From my sister's account, this is what happened after this: Matt went to sleep in my mother's arms. Before midnight, he woke up crying. Maybe because for the 1st time his pacifiers -my breasts- were not offered, he cried more ..and sooo very loud, waking up everyone in the house. My Mama rocked him in our living room (chhanging the environment), and he must have cried himself to sleep an hour later.

Me on the other hand, was a complete mess while in Cebu. Mentally and emotionally, that is. I was physically present yet mentally absent that my peers had to laugh at the blunders I made. And how uneasy it was! I milked myself every hour just to keep my breasts from getting too engorged, (ouch!).

Oh, how I longed for Matt to be in my arms and to empty the weight on my bosom. Literally and figuratively.

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